hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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