Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
