I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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