I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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