you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Someone shattered a urinal.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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