John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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