My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This baby is an asshole
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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