i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
