exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
