Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
