its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize