I think I won the penis lottery.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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