i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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