Swine flu. Run for my life!
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
