honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I have aggressive nipples.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
