For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Hippo gnu deer
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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