Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
