God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
