Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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