I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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