yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
