My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
