Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
