So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
