And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
