I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
