when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
