The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
