I want to have your abortion
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
high people should be assigned attendants
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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