i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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