After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
