I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
