I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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