corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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