My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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