ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
