she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
