Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
