My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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