The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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