Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
