Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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