It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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