I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
