Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
