Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
