i think i have two assholes
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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