This house was built for laser tag.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I pour the whiskey from now on
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
