sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
