I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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