i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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