Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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