My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
