planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
