I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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