just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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