Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
