she was so not down for the gang bang
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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