Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
