Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
